Uniquely Inspirational

The Struggles with Expectations

As I got ready for bed Todd turned to me and said, “You know it is going to snow tomorrow?”

“Hush, you don’t say that word around here… nope.” As I refused to accept it. After all, it is October, and I have no expectations of seeing such things falling from the sky at this time. I certainly don’t want to think about it.

The next day I wake up, cold. I get my coffee and start listening to the live stream training from NTS, during this time it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, through the window, there it is. Falling softly to the ground. “It’s snowing,” Todd says with the “I told you so” in his voice. “Yeah, I know” I responded grumpily.

“80 degrees in Houston and 31 in Amarillo. Snow has been falling throughout the day up there and the current wind chill factor is about 17 degrees.” – DrJimFox26

My expectations, and clearly, the forecast expectations are two different things. Although I can expect things to go my way, well, it is not always going to happen. Obviously, I don’t have the knowledge of a weatherman or the means to have my own Doppler radar system. I have to rely on others to give me the information. Then, what I do with that information is up to me. I can allow it to change my expectations, and plans, or I can just ignore it hoping for the best. I’m not like God, able to know what and when things will happen.

There are a lot of thinks I expect. As a mother, I expect my family to keep the house clean. As a pastor, I expect everyone to be at church and participate. As a wife, I expect to be spoiled daily. I’m sure Todd’s working on it. There is only one problem, a HUGE problem. All those expectations are coming from ONE person, ME. Well, if the world was full of “me’s,” all those expectations would be shared. But sadly, it isn’t so, because my expectations are uniquely MINE. Others have different expectations. Their expectations will rarely line up with mine, because of four major realities:

1. People have their own different personalities.

2. People have their own different experiences.

3. People have their own goals or desires in mind.

4. People have different needs. Our spiritual, physical and mental needs are our own. We share the needs, but we have differing means of fulfilling them.

So what to do? If everyone has different expectations, then how can we be united as one? How can my family work together towards each individual’s expectations? How can my church work together as one body, with all these expectations that differentiate us? How can my husband and I grow closer if we have different expectations of each other?

TWO words: COMMUNICATION and ACCEPTANCE.

by Pedro Sandrini on Pexels.com
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

Through communication we can share those expectations with each other. Some may not be as simple as the weatherman telling us it is going to snow the next day. Some need to see some physical explanation like the Doppler radar system. But communicating what our expectations are with each other is a perfect start. It requires honesty and throws out assumptions. Some expectations I have, I can change with the correct information. I can change my expectations of activities that involve others by simply listening to their expectations. Honesty is vital for me to know their expectations. For example: If I know that my family can’t help keep the house clean because of work, studies or illness, I can change my expectation of them helping to clean the house. On the other hand, I have to communicate to them what I expect from them as well. Communication has to go both ways. Sharing our expectations with each other allows us to build a closer relationship with others. No matter how feeble, weird, complicated, simple or even selfish the expectation may be. In order to maintain, create, or strengthen a relation with those around us, honest communication is essential.

Let’s not forget the second word of ACCEPTANCE. Here is where communication can get stuck in the gutter. There is a need for humbleness in order to ACCEPT what others have communicated to us. Whether we like it, agree with it or not, accepting the communicated expectations is key to every relationship. We don’t have to like it to accept it. I didn’t like the news of the snow, truthfully I knew the information, but I just didn’t WANT to accept it because deep inside, well I was hoping it just would not…you know…snow. The acceptance of the information has a lot to do with our humbleness vs. our stubbornness. It is a tug-of-war when we just really don’t want the communicated words to be true. In refusing to accept it, we already have decided that your expectation and mine are just not going to work out. We break the line of communication which in turns breaks the relationship.

Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

I want to make it clear, it is not the different expectations that break a relationship, it is the refusal to accept the different expectations that does. We can still work together when different expectations are stated. This is how we incorporate the differences into the relationship that allows us to go on. One thing I know is that everyone will have different expectations. Each of my daughters has a different expectation from me, yet we work together because we accept each other’s differences and help each other reach our expectations. The refusal to accept the communicated information that may change our expectations is what causes the clash between people just as much as no communication. We just need humbleness (acceptance), the honesty (communication).

Our unique expectations of each other, life itself, and our surroundings, must be ready to be changed. Our everyday life has to be a life of flexible expectations especially when is out of our control. We can’t just expect everyone to know if we haven’t communicated fully. Nor can we expect them to share their own expectations if we have already refused to accept them in the past. We must come together and practice honesty and humbleness in our relationships through the sharing of expectations. This is not a unique way of thinking. It is a necessary attitude to have so that we don’t became enslaved to our own expectations and lose relationships. We may not agree with each other’s expectations but we can work together because often some of those expectations are similar to our own. Those similarities may enrich our relationship and strengthen it. Then, we have to realize that some will be different, we may not agree, but we understand each other and work together. This knowledge also strengthens our relationship. How? Because our common expectations should bring growth and strengthen our relationship as we unite in purpose. This is the Godly EXPECTATION that Jesus himself prayed for in John 17 for us, “That they may be one as you and I are one.”

I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “

John 17: 22

And so, as I sit here knowing that I’ve lost the battle against my climate preference, I can change my expectation to: “Todd? You know, it is a perfect day to try out the fireplace.”

My expectations and the forecast expectations are two different things.

Instead, Todd turns on some Christmas music. I guess his expectations when snows falls, means Christmas is coming.

“Really?” I tell him as soon as I hear it. “This is what you think of when there is snow?”

He laughs.

I do need to give him a break. He misses the snow, being from Indiana and all. Now if only I can give him enough information about my need of the fireplace. Will I have that unique expectation come to life? We’ll see.. in the meantime he is still expecting me to cook dinner…{wait, I’m smelling food cooking}… well, maybe not anymore. 😉

Uniquely Inspirational

The Struggle with Patience

My daughter is so trying my patience.

Yep!! She won’t tell me if she is having a boy or a girl. What is a mother to do?? After all, she got her ultrasound several days ago and she is MAKING me WAIT until Sunday! That’s like.. almost a WHOLE week! Come on! You only need to open that silly envelope and flash it to the laptop camera…I WONT TELL!

The reality is that I was not born a patient person. I was the 4 year old that could be told “you can have one whole bag of M&M’s if you will only sit in front of a bowl of them for 5 minutes without touching any.” Somehow after trying every possible way to patiently wait for my whole bag, including sitting on my hands, I was done for within 3 minutes, maybe even 2. I could only WAIT so long. My body could only sit still for so long.

It has been very difficult to just learn the art of patience. Growing up, I really do believe, that my dad would have some twisted satisfaction in teaching patience. He purposefully would make me stand there, waiting for Him, to give me permission to talk. Just so I can ask him if I can go to Yvette’s house to play. If I wouldn’t wait, the answer would be “No, you weren’t patient and interrupted me.” The last thing I wanted to do was to get him mad. So I waited, waited and waited until my mind and body wanted to explode. So I would wait the only way I could think of, keeping my mind busy with my imagination. I imagined all that we would do if Yvette would come over, but just so Daddy wouldn’t forget my presence, I would grab his hand. I would find myself playing with my fingers then, swinging his hand, then his arm. The LONGEST 2-3 minutes of my life.

His explanation to me in life was that Patience would teach me maturity. Yeah right…. like maturity would happen…. I hated patience. If patience was a girl, she would be the one I would have avoided. I wanted the answers then and there. I wanted to solve issues then and there. I wanted to enjoy life then and there. No time to WAIT. WAITING was just a WASTE of TIME. I had better things to do in LIFE than to WAIT.

Patience is like a tree, it grows slowly but strong. —Photo by Gelgas on Pexels.com

As life goes on, patience seems to test me. I think I learned it better during my teen and college years. I had to WAIT a lot then. I had to WAIT in the offices, in lines and in the classroom. I had to WAIT for financial aid to tell me if I got my scholarships. I had to WAIT for my professors to grade my papers. I had to WAIT for companies to get back to me during Job search. I had to WAIT for the cute guy to finally ask me out… Well you get it. I was literally FORCED to have patience. I found myself talking to strangers, reading or just studying. But it wasn’t enough. I was antsy constantly. Yes me. So I finally did the only thing I could think of, I prayed: “Lord, teach me to be patient.”

Sometimes patience calls for us to do something for someone else.

I found myself asking GOD to work on my patience daily. So much so that I got a bumper sticker on my car and a key chain (which I still carry) that reads, “Be patient, God isn’t finished with me yet.” Though I had learned to distract myself in the process to make it easier, I still felt anxious. Patience became that companion that always follows you, but you really don’t want. Through scripture I figured that the only way I could conquer the lack of patience was prayer. I then learned that patience was not just a sign of maturity but a lifestyle, a needed character trait, and as I grew in my FAITH, I found that it became more and more part of me. Soon patience changed from a necessity, to an everyday pouring out occurrence. It flowed out as part of a new me. That prayer had become a daily prayer until one day the Holy Spirit just increased my PATIENCE as He did my LOVE for people, my HOPE, my KINDNESS… well, it turns out, it was part of my lack of SELF-CONTROL.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

All of a sudden, half-way through college I realized that my dad was not talking about human maturity, (This is a good thing, because I was failing there), but CHRISTIAN maturity as growth and the process of sanctification. Then, all the pieces started falling together, and I found out that patience was somehow becoming part of a trait that I never knew I had. Yet, I had to practice it. I had to realize that even though I hated being patient, I could do it because the Holy Spirit helped me.

God knew my weakness, and so He gave me 3 girls, a ministry that constantly ministers to kids and teens, and guess what? I had no choice than to be… you guessed it… PATIENT. It seems that if you are not very patient, the best way to practice patience is having kids, ministering to kids and working with them. The trait that I lacked, God increased it and moved it into a fruit that I have to use constantly. I could not have done it without the transformation and the power of the Holy Spirit. All because one day I went to my knees and said. “LORD, I WANT MORE OF YOU!! I NEED MORE OF YOU! THERE HAS GOT TO BE MORE.. I WANT MORE OF YOU.”

Finding something fun to do while others shop.

The uniqueness of having patience teaches us to be more creative, more imaginative and helps us do more. How else are we to kill the time in line, at the doctors office and so on. We wind up having to learn to use our time more wisely. We meet people, learn more by reading, spend time with our kids, you know, to keep them out of trouble, and so on. Patience teaches us to extend patience to those who don’t have it. It helps us understand others and in turn we learn to be kind, especially when they aren’t being patient. We learn to be Christlike with others, by being patient with them. Patience teaches us those unique values, like peacefulness, kindness, loving, compassionate and more. We learn to overcome difficulties, endurance and more. But most of all, we learn to depend on God.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Collossians 3:12

Today, I wait.. and WAIT for the day my oldest daughter and her hubby to do this crazy modern thing called, “Reveal Party.” Whatever that is.. until then, I keep myself distracted, occupied and, well.. you know: Praying for patience 😉 Knowing that in the end, regardless, I will be EXCITED. One more unique little gal or little guy to add to my heart! I’m so excited!! So patience is not so bad after all… unless… it is a girl and they name her “Patience”… :O nah…they wouldn’t…would they???

Uniquely Mi Vida

The Struggle with Housework

I am not ashamed to say this: I hate doing dishes. I do. And dusting… mostly cause I’m allergic to dust and mold..

The passionate dislike of dishes, however, does not have to do with allergies. That started when I was growing up and my mother, God bless my dear mother who is now in heaven, had this great idea that EVERYONE would take turns doing the dishes. Seeing as she cooked day after day, it all made sense that my brother, Dad and I would help. Our names were written on the calendar. Everyone agreed. It was a great PLAN! Right? Wrong!! There was one problem: the “boys” refused to do their part, always having an excuse. Somehow they found themselves “OUT” when it was their turn, and even “homework” would finally show up for my brother… which had NEVER HAPPENED before. In short, I got stuck with the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. At the age of 11 I put my foot down. “No work without pay.” So, I learned the value of capitalism and that lazy people who choose not to work should pay those who do it for them.

Then I had my own little dorm room and my own little house with no one else’s chores to do. Which was fine, because I didn’t have time. In the midst of 15-17 credit hours at the university, 15-20 hours of work, and volunteering for the church, who had time to clean, cook and do dishes??? So I learned to prioritize. Clean the living room and dining room, ignore your bedroom and don’t let anyone in it. Do dishes if you don’t want roaches and mice, and use paper plates when you know you don’t have time. Later, Todd came along and he had to help, too, especially with the dishes.

Marriage came, and before the children, we divided work evenly: I sweep, mop and vacuum. Todd dusts, pick up, and mows the yard. I cook, he does dishes. He does laundry, I fold. I cleaned the bedroom, and he the bathroom. Okay, I had to help him some. NEAT, Huh? Then our great plan fell apart… little by little our children popped into this world and there goes the kitchen, the bathroom, and even the living room. And don’t forget the bedrooms!

I needed a plan! I needed a desperate new plan! Because kids took more time than I thought.

Kids just don’t understand the rule of CLEAN AFTER YOURSELF. Yeah.. that didn’t go well. Soon toys were everywhere. A living room filled with a baby swing, walker, floor blanket and toys. To add to the chaos, both Todd and I were working and going to Seminary. It wasn’t pretty. I had my dad hounding me. “Your house has to be a house of order just as your life.” Or “Beti keeps our house clean, and remember that being holy means that your house has to be clean too.” Or more directly, “your house is in such a mess.” In exasperation I said, “Well daddy, you have 2 children, I have 3. I work full time, and Todd works full time, and we both go to school. Your wife is stays home clean and taking care of kids all day, plus she has help from her family, I only have Todd. Of course my house is messier than yours.” He did stop. No guilt here, because I knew that my house was not going to stay perfectly clean daily.

I knew, shamefully, that he was right to some extent. He had a point. I needed to get the house a little bit more under control. I wasn’t able to keep up with the dining room or bedrooms because, incidentally, that was the playroom, and my bedroom was always a mess. I was able to I maintain the living room, and did my best to keep the dirty dishes under control. I learned during the busy times that I had to have ONE area where I was free of chaos. Except that my kids messes spilled into that area as well. Needless to say, keeping a 2 bedroom house clean with one baby, a toddler and a Pre-K was next to impossible, no matter what I did. My solution: Saturday became cleaning day for everyone. And Sunday? It all better stay clean! Then we began picking up and cleaning as a game, (until they figured out it wasn’t). Another thing I taught my girls was to pick up their toys every night before going to bed. And thus my living room stayed clean, at least overnight, and the mess contained. It was cleaned daily, you could tell “kids live here” but things were mostly picked up and the main areas were cleaner from dust and dirt, even if clutter was still around.

As time went by and the children got older, we moved into bigger houses. It was easier to divide areas of the house to contain the mess. My girls had their play room, I had my living room. They had their bedrooms and bathroom, I had mine. Rules had to be made. Besides a chore chart, we had (and still do) general rules: Rule 1: no playing in the living room and no toys outside of the play area or bedrooms. Rule 2: Pick up your stuff before going to bed. Rule 3: You take it out, you put it back (goes for friends too) and rule 4: Hubby shares the cleaning, especially when Mom is still at work. (And the cooking).

Soon those rules became essential. We were busy. Everyone grew up and became busier. Things may have gotten out of hand off and on, especially when we were gone from sun up to PAST sun down. So I learned the busy “Mom rule” of: letting it go for a day or two. I had to be at peace with not every room being perfect and things being out of place. Yet, after a week of chaos, life had to get back in order and so did the house. I needed to get my growing kids, my laid back husband and my stressful self consistent, so the main area still had some semblance of cleanliness. WE NEEDED A NEW PLAN! And believe me, we have gone through many of them. Family meetings, chore charts and dish days. Although never perfect, the mess was under control. We had our great days and our “I’m too tired” days, you know, “Let it go” days. But I get stressed when it is too much, and I’m stubborn. I have to have areas that are clean from chaos so here is what worked and still works for us:

  1. Have a “Good Morning” habit Pick up one area of your bedroom, like make the bed, pick up dirty laundry, or put away your make-up (personal items) before heading out. (Or all of them).
  2. (From my husband) Clean as you cook. I must admit he is better at this than me because I get distracted. Another similar one, clean as you watch TV. I don’t mind this one.
  3. Parents share the load 50/50: Whoever is at home, or has a day off from work, helps maintain the house. Both home? Then split the load.
  4. As mentioned, a daily chore chart works great but when your kids are older, everyone takes care of their own areas.
  5. Do a 15 minute quick pick up when arriving from work and 5-10 minute one before going to bed. If time allows do a quick sweep or vacuum so dirt wont accumulate until your cleaning day.
  6. Take turns in the kitchen, one cooks, another does dishes. Here your children/teens need to be involved in this area. (They have to learn to cook sometime)
  7. Have a laundry folding party. This means do laundry, and while everyone watches TV have everyone fold their own clothes. When the kids are old enough to do their’s, have them do their own laundry.
  8. Organize: Make sure that you have a place for everything and everyone knows where it all goes. This keeps messes to a minimum and easier to keep up with.
  9. If friends or family come over, they clean their own messes and dishes. You will be surprised how helpful they can be.
  10. Keep your main area picked up. This alone will save you a lot of headaches.
Best way to get rid of clutter: garage sales!

Needless to say, it all seems simple. Well, it isn’t. You have to work at it, you have to agree together and you have to be as consistent as possible. This is NOT to say that it has to be perfectly clean daily, it never will be unless you have a housekeeper. It will at least give you some peace of mind or at least contain the mess. It does help if you love the rooms. So if you don’t love the rooms, redo them until you do. It is easier to be motivated if you love the way it looks. Most likely it will be easier for the kids to keep their room clean if they love the way they look. I must add that any house, whether it be small or large, if it has a lot of stuff, it will look messy no matter what. So do your best to keep it as organized as you can. If you have too much stuff, get rid of some of it. Garage sales, giveaways, however you want to de-clutter, go for it. Give yourself a motivation to make it look presentable at least your main areas.

After you have a plan that works for you and your family, you be surprised much easier things can become if everyone helps. Now your “house” becomes your “HOME.” It makes a BIG difference when you have an organized home. Bigger still if it is picked up and clean for the most part and often (note that I did not say “daily” or “always”). Make it a home that everyone can enjoy and others can visit. Plus, you won’t have a nagging parent. LOL

So was my father right? Sadly, Yes. Our house should be a reflection of God’s work in us. It shows the blessing that He has given us. It shows how we take care of what He has given us. It shows God that He can trust us more and more with material things because we can take care of them. Just like we ought to be good stewards of the money God provides, we must be good stewards of the materials he provides and gifts us with. We need to remember that in the end, it is because of God that we have what we have. That is my motivation to do my best to keep up with my home, at least picked up and in order.

By wisdom a house is built. Through understanding it is made secure.
Through knowledge its rooms are filled with priceless and beautiful things. ”

-Proverbs 24:3-4

Enjoy your new UNIQUE, not perfect, just unique, good looking home. Let it be a reflection of you… just remember, the kid’s room, yeah that is their reflection, so don’t sweat it if they can’t keep up. They will eventually. In the meantime relax in your own personal “spa” you call “HOME” or a bedroom or, well, any room. Do your best, and you will LOVE showing it off, specially to your Dad. (The day after you cleaning day 😀 )

***Please share your ideas and pointers in the comments below***

Uniquely Inspirational

Uniquely Parenting 101

This is me, on being a Parent:

Some say that your kids grow up in the “blink of the eye.” That’s not true. It takes millions, if not billions, of blinks. As they grow it seems that the “blinks” are not enough to get them to grow fast enough. Sometimes if feels like, “come on and blink now already!” What they should say is “TREASURE EVERY BLINK.”

Now that my girls are older, I do miss those days: the days when they played together, shared their stuff, laughed. You know, before the fights and tears came into play. Yeah, those days. Those are the days that we miss the most and treasure the most. Raising children can be fun, and yet, challenging. It has moments of bliss and moments of tears. It has moments of peace and moments of “war.” The writer of Ecclesiastes was definitely a parent.

 

I think that the hardest thing to do is watching your kids hurt. As the years go by that “hurt” comes with different experiences and in different forms. Nonetheless, it is the hardest thing for a parent to watch. We want to keep them from hurting, we want to shelter them from those times. However, it is those “hurt” moments that we learn from the most, that THEY learn from the most.

Through these moments that cannot be avoided, we learn to deal with many issues in life, making better decisions. We learn about fear. We learn to console each other. We learn the do’s and don’ts of being a kid (and for parents, of being a better parents). We learn to keep an eye on the “warning signs,” so as not to fall in the pit of “hurt” again. We learn what to avoid and what to jump into. We learn how the world truly is and not just the utopia we wish it was. But most of all, we learn how much we need God.

Parenting is a skill, learned if we are smart and wise, and do not go at it alone. We need God with us every step of the way. He is the ultimate experienced parent. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that without God, I’m a horrible parent. It is God who inspires me to be a loving, patient (though sometimes my patience seems to run low at times), grateful, giving, compassionate (the list goes on, you get my drift), and empathetic parent. I need those characteristics, God’s characteristics, to be the best parent for my children. It is not easy to allow God in the mix at times. We are humans and sometimes our prideful humanity gets in the way. I have to be a humble parent, especially when I mess up. I have to allow God to build me and shape me to be a BETTER parent everyday.

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope. May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had”                         -Romans 15:4-5

God inspires us to be the best, unique parent that ever walked on earth. Overall, God teaches us to be better “teachers.” He teaches us to comfort our children when they hurt. He teaches us to forgive them when they break your favorite mug. He teaches us to expect more of them as He expects of us. God teaches us to encourage their abilities, gifts and skills. God teaches us to keep them humble by reminding them “because I’m your mother,” now that’s fun. 😁 We need to be reminded as parents that it is through the grace of God that we can shower grace on our children. The same is true with patience, mercy, love, and forgiveness.

We often think that we can solve everything by giving to our children, but that is not a solution. Giving can be a demonstration of LOVE, but is sometimes only cheap manipulation. Kids need, hugs, time, encouragement, teaching, help, and more… all those areas in our lives that we use to show God how much he loves us, we need to show our children. It is through the bonding relationship with God that we learn to have a bonding strong relationship with our children. God helps us guide them through the difficulties of life, the sad, the good, the beautiful and the ugly. There is so much more that we learn from God and should learn, that we in turn need to teach our children. Most of all, we need to teach our children how to LOVE GOD, the how and the why.

 

Building a strong relationship with our Triune God is what allows us to build a strong relationship as parents with our children. Learning how God helps us deal with the “hurt” helps us deal with their “hurt.” I really do believe that parents grow in experience and this allows God to better us. After years, we become better and ready to be the BEST unique parents we can be. Of course, by then, it might be too late. They all have grown up. So what now? “You ready to be a grandma?” yeah, then that happens. Now you have to learn to be a unique grandma… yeah, in the “blink of an eye.” Time to learn to be the BEST grandparents ever…. (Just waiting for that moment😉) What a unique sense of humor God has.

In the meantime, I continue to do my BEST to be God’s BETTER and Unique Parent everyday 😊

 “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates..”  

                                                                     —Deuteronomy 11:18-20